Here I am sat in my office anticipating the joys of the 7pm Dublin-Belfast Enterprise service, looking forward to the orgy of smells that will greet me as I step on board the premier north-south railway line. In case you are confused I refer not to the various perfumes, colognes and oxter sprays worn by the more discerning commuters but instead to the stench, stink and attractions of such fine scents as the signature  Eau d’Enterprise itself, the Eau du Sour Milk, Parfum de Diesel, Le Stale Biere, and the incredibly overpowering Aroma de Derriere (well as far as Dundalk in any case!!).

Now since it is a Friday evening the buffet carriage (known as the bar or microwave food center) will indeed resemble a bar fitting of the Enterprise but I mean the Enterprise of Star Trek fame. I make this judgment on the basis of the motley shapes of the characters usually gathered therein. One only needs to have a quick peek in there and you will need no further convincing on the veracity of the Roswell incident!

I must also mention the timeliness or lack of same of Translink’s premier service. It operates on a Greek Style timetable (complete with Greek Style Yoghurt smells) and leaves 7pm or thereabouts and gets into Newry literally whenever. I am lucky I guess as at least I don’t have to run the OK Corral of Ye Olde Lurgan Towne during this wonderful part of July!

I should also note my irritation at the phenomenon of pre-booked seats, especially in the last carriage. What gives random day trippers the right to pre-booked cheap internet seats? Surely those of us who shell out for an annual ticket should be treated a tad better than third class passengers. It is bizarre really. It wouldn’t happen anywhere else in the world. At times annual ticket holders can hardly get a seat. Again surely this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

On the plus side I look forward to catching up with my Enterprise buddies-those of us who commute as a group on a regular basis. Strangers on a train soon become friends and this makes the commute highly enjoyable. It can be social too in that I often bump into old friends and colleagues and the Enterprise network that we make up is useful in terms of sharing information on cross-border tax avoidance, euro-sterling exchange rates and the best places to holiday and to eat at home and abroad.

So off I go to sniff l’eau…Beam me up Scotty!